If you are an experienced parent who has decided to foster, you bring a wealth of parenting skills that are indispensable. When you become a foster carer, you have an opportunity to build on these strengths and grow you parenting 'toolkit', both through training and support from our dedicated link workers, and through careful observation and reflection as you go, like Sheila, one of our foster carers, who has developed her own thoughtful ways to support the children in her care.
However, strategies you might have used to raise your own children – consistent boundaries, star charts, or a time out on the 'naughty step' – can often have the opposite effect on a child in care, escalating behaviour rather than calming it. But why does this happen? And more importantly, what parenting methods do work best for children in care?
In the latest episode of Voices – The Origins Foster Care Podcast, I sit down with Dr. Joanna Fortune, one of Ireland’s most respected psychotherapists and the best-selling author of the 15-Minute Parenting series.
In this episode, Dr. Joanna Fortune explores the psychology of fostering, unpacks the neurological reality of trauma, and explains why traditional discipline methods – which rely on a child’s ability to self-regulate – are developmentally impossible for a child who is operating in survival mode.
One of the most powerful moments in the episode is Dr. Fortune's explanation of the difference between shame and guilt. While guilt is the feeling that 'I did a bad thing', shame is the crushing belief that 'I am the bad thing.'
For many children in care, shame is a default setting. Dr. Fortune explains how well-meaning discipline can accidentally reinforce this shame, causing a child to push you away just when they need you most.
"You don't just need support when things go wrong, you deserve support to help you do this complex work."
So, if we can't use 'Time Out', what can we use? Dr. Fortune advocates for a shift to 'Time In' – a strategy that prioritises co-regulation over isolation. She explains why a dysregulated child cannot calm down alone and why your presence is the most powerful tool you have to help them return to a state of safety.
She also introduces her renowned 15-Minute Parenting philosophy. For people considering foster care (and parents in general), it’s a big relief to hear that parenting doesn't mean you have to be perfect 24/7. Dr. Fortune argues that just 15 minutes of intentional, child-led connection each day can be enough to start rewriting a child's internal script from 'I am unlovable' to 'I am seen'.
The conversation also touches on the specific joys and challenges of fostering teenagers. Dr. Fortune debunks the myth that teens don't need attachment, arguing that their risk-taking behaviour is exactly why they need a 'safe base' more than ever.
"Teenagers are neurologically wired to take risks. They need to know that when – not if – they mess up, you will be the safe base they can call."
And when those moments inevitably arise, the response of a foster carer can be transformative:
"Listen, if you are not where you said you'd be at three in the morning, I am still the person you need to call to come and get you... I will be raging... but I will make sure you get home safe because you matter and I care about you. Those experiences turn it around."
"I think if anyone's listening and they think they might have a capacity to offer a home to teenagers, I would say, please do that. That would always be worth doing."
Whether you are a prospective foster carer hoping to learn what might await you, an experienced carer looking for new insights, this episode offers the permission you need to stop trying to be 'perfect' and start being 'good enough'. Listen to the full episode with Dr. Joanna Fortune below, on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Ready to start your own fostering journey? If you have room in your heart and home, we’d love to talk to you. You can check out one of the links below to take your next step:
→ Learn more about the supports Origins provides every foster carer
→ Explore our Become a Foster Carer page to see how you can get started fostering
→ Join one of our upcoming online Fostering Info Sessions
→ Or Apply Online to Become a Foster Carer if you're ready to take the next step
Reach out for any questions and enquiries. A member of our fostering team will get back to you as soon as possible.
